……because Stoke City just got hit by a harrykane! Not literally of course……Jesus, can you imagine the number of devastated Poundland's that would leave in its wake? It was, of course, meant in a metaphorical sense. In an already eventful week, the UK has been battered by gale force winds that have left garden furniture upturned, bird houses askew and housewives aghast. However, the brunt of the destruction was seemingly saved for Mark Hughes’s men on Sunday afternoon at a blustery White Hart Lane. Now, part of me almost feels sorry for poor old Stoke City, who have been comfortably beaten 4-0 by Spurs in each of their last three meetings. But it never used to be this easy. If you cast your minds back, it was only a few years ago that the club, having sacked long ball merchant Tony Pulis, decided to veer away from their traditions as a mid-table rugby club, instead deciding to venture tentatively into the world of extremely low budget tiki-taka football. But as you can imagine, this was immediately undermined by the fact that Charlie Adam and Glenn Whelan have the manoeuvrability of an oil tanker (one of the rusty, old Soviet-era ones) and Mark Hughes has the tactical awareness of a dish mop. Which may still be doing a disservice to dish mops. In hindsight, I am actually a little bit disappointed that we didn’t win by a lot more……..
Obviously, this was a very important victory for Spurs, not just for our diminishing title ambitions but mostly because we had just come off the back of another demoralising European night at the new Wembley (we never seemed to have this problem at the old Wembley....I'm just saying). This time, our humiliation was at the hands of the 8th best team in Belgium and the 84th best team in Europe, K.A.A Gent. A surprising new low, even by our recent standards. And interestingly, this isn't the first time that Gent have managed to fuck Spurs over. They are responsible for unleashing Mido on the footballing world, who subsequently went on to become the first and only Spurs player to be paid exclusively in KFC Family Buckets. And in all fairness, Spurs didn’t do themselves any favours on the night as Dele Alli got sent off, merely for channeling his inner Roy Keane (all over an opponents shin bone) whilst Harry Kane compounded matters by inadvertently putting through his own net…….proving that somehow, he also scores when he DOESN’T want!
But let’s move on to something a little less depressing and focus on the goals that he DID want to score, because at times Harry Kane was absolutely unplayable against Stoke. Having already shown his class with an instinctive finish across the keeper, he added to his tally with a phenomenal Paul Scholes-esque corner routine before watching his deflected free kick trickle past a wrong-footed Lee Grant, to complete a well deserved hat-trick. Apparently not finished, he also showed a surprising turn of pace to lay on a sublime assist for Dele Alli, who made it 4-0. And all before the half time whistle! Incredibly, this was Harry's third hat-trick in his last nine games (which is already more than Cristiano Ronaldo scored in his entire Manchester United career) and also makes him the first Spurs player to score 20+ goals in three consecutive seasons, since the legendary Jimmy Greaves. Not too bad for a one season wonder!
And whilst we are on the subject of destructive forces, it would be remiss of me not to mention our upcoming FA Cup tie against part-time football club and full-time Hitler Youth, Millwall FC. For the younger readers out there, you may not know much about Millwall (unless you watch a lot of Crimewatch), so I should probably give you a bit of background. They are basically a slightly grubbier version of West Ham fans……but with a touch of Mad Cow Disease. If there was ever a fixture where it would be appropriate for Danny Dyer to commentate, then surely this has to be it! Just to put all of this in context, Leicester City's Ben Chilwell actually refused to take any more throw-ins against Millwall in the last round of the cup, such was the level of animosity being levelled at him from the home crowd. Although in all honesty, this may say more about Ben Chilwell than it does about the Millwall fans? Clearly a classy bunch, nonetheless. And after the trouble between Spurs and Millwall when we last played in 2001, I think it’s fair to say that the Police will have their work cut out for them on March 13th. However, on the plus side, I am sure that Daniel Levy will be overjoyed with this draw. Not only because it gives us a great chance of making it to a Semi-Final (which will no doubt be held at Wembley, knowing our luck) but if all goes to plan, the visit of Millwall means he no longer has to pay our construction company to demolish what is left of our beloved White Hart Lane……..